let lemons be angry

I've come to a decision. It wasn't easy to make. All the different routes i could take floated above me in thought bubbles the whole day. I talked to many people about this, and in the end called my dad in his hotel, for he is said to be a wise man. He said, "it's all about survival tactics", ruling out my protests of taking history s "for interest" because it seems that to him, interest is a luxury opposing survival. Basically, he reasoned that if i didn't have time to pass maths this year, why would i have time to pass it next year? Which made me ask myself why i'd have time to do an s paper too. But all that reasoning didn't convince me. Until he asked if i was really willing to rule out psychology in university. All this while i'd fought down the need to take maths for psychology's sake because i comforted myself with the option of psychology's cousins, sociology, anthropology, the social sciences. But when it comes down to it, am i really willing to close the door to psychology forever? I never thought i'd be making career choices this year, but it appears that i can't afford not to do my planning now. It's either an s paper or maths; i know i can't handle both. So the sacrifice, not one that i won't think about from time to time with something like a "whatif".

The thing is opportunities rise all the time, but we can't jump at them all. You only know what you want when you're sad that you can't have it. That happened today when i thought about my not going for history. But i won't let it happen in two years' time when i stand at the subject application booth in university staring at the closed door of psychology, wishing i'd just dragged myself to maths class for a few more months. The prospect of another year of maths makes me want to cry. But maybe this time, with psychology in mind, i'll jump in determined to struggle to the other side. It'd be so much easier to throw it out the window. What's another ao subject. But i can't, not when psychology is tied to it. Argh. I'd shoot maths in the head, but Maths is holding Psychology hostage, and i can't put the hostage at risk. I whined to mr ho and he whined back. He'll get a big shock when i come in reformed on friday, ready to make an effort to pass maths. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. There's nothing i've been more reluctant to commit to. But everything flashes past me: sec2 redbook sanguine melancholic choleric phlegmatic perfect popular cliques diagrams enneagram neighbours readingintowords writing and MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO SHUT THE DOOR ON ALL THAT. Too bad that it comes with its witchy mother-in-law Maths. It's not that i've mapped out all of my life tonight, but people change, and in a year's time i might want to do nothing else but psychology, and in a year's time i might have an exercise book full of accurate differentiation, and i don't want to rule out those possibilities by taking the easy way out now.

Burst all those thought bubbles, but now even i am left deflated. I could do with reappearances of lost souls.