let lemons be angry

It's 2004. All of a sudden i'm going to university next year. That sounds wrong. I wonder if i'll get a similar shock when i turn fifty. I never feel older, but the number of people younger than me increase. Maybe all the adults don't feel like they're ready to be adults either. Age captures you and you struggle in vain.

I spent my birthday eating everything i like to eat. Lunch at fish and co, where i saw one of the three prettiest people i've seen in real life. And dinner at botanic gardens, sprawled out on paki's blue sarong taking pictures of the sky and our disappearing candy canes. There's something beautiful about looking at trees and clouds and nothing else. And taking photos as if desperately trying to keep mementos of perfection. Maybe i'm scared i'll forget. And for that one day time stood still, and i swung like a pendulum between one year and the next, back and forth, and i felt younger.

New Year's Day came, and i met with the student venture people to plan for the year. I shall go for morning meetings this year. That's something i'd struggled with, especially when chinai asked me to talk to olivia about taking over morning meetings. But it'll only be lifeless if i don't give my life to it. Met them this morning too, for the first sunrise of the school year. The sun rose on us as we prayed, and i had this feeling inside that came alive and crept through my limbs and whispered, it's going to be an amazing year. I've got a lot to learn and a lot i want to give, and not enough time or courage. But we are not given a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and a sound mind. It was in my head, but now it's in my heart.

Someone to inspire me forward. No more questions, no more doubts, no more justifications, just perfection.