let lemons be angry

Scum. Only believe the one who treasures you, please. I wrote a lot more but erased it. There's no point because you refuse to know how precious you are.

I was asked yesterday if i could love without being loved in return. I can't. I can't put my heart on the line like that. "Because i'm not strong enough," i started to say. But then i realised it's also because i'm not vulnerable enough to do that. How ironic, that to be utterly vulnerable to someone, you have to hold on with uncommon strength. So now i don't know if i should say "be strong", or "let yourself be weak". There's that familiar wave of vengeance rising in me, the same one i first felt in the canteen toilet as i wished bad things away as they came on. I can save anyone but you. Only you can save yourself, by letting go. Frieda told me, don't try to let go, for trying makes you think about it. Just let go. And should we say that those who hang on are noble? Noble, for their self-sacrificial love that asks for no reward, for their complete forgetting and banishing of the self? Maybe, but calling suicide noble is the most common lie. Life is precious, so precious that He died to give it to you, but you are dead inside, you have ceased to really live, you have extinguished yourself with your love. Love and hate are so combined that one feeds off the other, and they have both eaten into you for too long.

I have said it all. Some things don't have to be said at all. Some truths are too painful. I've learnt through hurting someone else that bare truth is not always the best. So this is the maximum that i can do for you, you who i do my best to uphold day after day.