let lemons be angry

I realised i didn't post much these months. I was waiting for each entry to be read. That's all I want, really. Talking about everything with dawn and aimei tonight made me see just how much we've grown. Aimei, who i'd always thought was the slightly vulnerable social butterfly, i only see as a strong, independent, streetsmart businesswoman now. Dawn used to be the pink "perceived princess", but now she's shades of brown and taupe, an old vinyl instead of a boombox. And I, I used to revel in secrecy and my solitary hours at the back of the hall writing and writing and never telling anybody what i wrote about--but don't listen to me now and i will feel cold and orphaned. I've grown to need real people to know about me. It's not enough being the stranger of ice sitting quietly with something on her mind, not anymore. So don't walk away before i've told you all the things i'd planned and practiced telling you about, complete with hand gestures and pauses. It actually hurts.

Meanwhile. Flea market at home club next sunday, which means happy production days this week and enough distractions to stop me thinking about "reassurance for the future" and "what will we do with our lives?" I have this (rather sad) vision of us with our own successful store and our own apartment, which we come home to with rented movies and takeout in hand, wondering what to do with each long evening. Occasionally there'll be a wedding and sharon and i will be asked to do the flower arrangements. In a few decades we'll become the Golden Girls who go to bars to meet "over-the-hill astronauts" and celebrate by eating Rocky Road and taking vacations to Panama. We'll have pets of course, and our knitting, and we'll believe we're "dressing attractively", like a certain woman out there with chunky strawberry shoes and rouge circles.

Or i could do the sensible thing, and make sure life never reaches that state. Not where a career or a spouse or a holiday is what it takes to make my life complete. It starts now, the restructuring of my world. Because nothing, nothing, nothing will fill the gap except for God. And He can't love me any more than He does now. Even if i fail miserably with my sec one girls, even if i mess up worship and ambience, He won't love me any less.