37 weeks

In two weeks, I will not be pregnant anymore. (I hope.)

How strange it will be, to not feel you wriggling your fingers and toes into my various organs. To not see your little bum protruding above my rib cage. To not be tickled by your hiccups after my meals.

My flesh and blood. Already I'm feeling possessive, thinking about how you will be carried away from my body and passed from one set of eager arms to another.

But you are your own person. I haven't fully become a mother yet, but already I have to get this into my head.

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Exercise routine: Walking back and forth from City Square mall. Some Pilates moves are too hard on my pelvic bones. Swimming is delightful though. If I had a pool downstairs, I would be in it everyday, letting my bones rest.

Eating: Normal quantities, no special cravings

Listening to: J-boy by Phoenix, Break the Chain by the Pretenders

Discomforts: Really hot at night. Can't sleep without the air-con at 26 degrees. Fingers hurt when I wake up/ leave them in one position for too long. Not much swelling elsewhere. Baby has turned, thankfully, so she is weighing on my bladder when I get up. But I still don't have to pee in the middle of the night, so I have nothing to complain about.

Nesting: I've given up on preparing a pinterest-worthy nursery. For now, my bedroom is ready to receive the co-sleeper, and that's it.

Baby gear: Stroller is in, diapers are in, everything I think she will need for the first week of life is in. We'll have to wait and see what she needs after that.

Feeling: Anxious about wrapping up work by Wednesday. But happy to be taking a break really soon, and can't wait to see the little one.
Last night was an anomaly though. Work anxiety and overall tiredness made my thoughts spiral violently downwards, and it turned into bitterness against k, who was snoring deeply. "You have no interest in the baby's arrival!"was just one of the many irrational things I wanted to say to him when he woke up. That turned into tearful worry that my parents would pass away before seeing the baby, and then what kind of emotions would I have every time I put on the onesies they bought for her? It was only the Holy Spirit that gave me peace and showed all these lies for what they are: lies.

The mind of a tired, hormonal pregnant woman is ripe for panic. I can only imagine what it must be like to be post-natal, stumbling in sleeplessness from feed to feed, with these thoughts wreaking havoc in an idle mind.

It is only God who can give me peace--not anything I read, or anything I prepare, or anything I buy. Nothing and nobody else can help me be a mother. That is the truth I must hold on to in this final stretch and beyond.