A present at 30

Around June this year, I started thinking about turning 30 in a positive way. The twenties no longer felt like a golden era I had to cling on to. I started telling people I was 30 when they asked. Tomorrow, that is what I will be.

I did think, though, that I should do something momentous and cliched to mark the turn of the decade. Perhaps get that tattoo. I thought about trees and roots and words, and then I forgot about tattoos.

But God thought it was time for a body modification too.

I started feeling it in my chest, pms symptoms dragging on a week too long.

On 9th November, I groggily took a pregnancy test first thing in the morning. No spectacles on, teeth unbrushed. Two lines appeared. I took the box out to k, who was already up and trying to submit a paper online. I showed him the box and the test stick.

"What does this mean? So what does it mean? You're pregnant? Don't worry, it may not be accurate."

I would have clobbered him, except I was also unsure that something so cheap could be relied on to tell me the biggest news of our lives. So we shrugged it off and went about our day. In the afternoon I took another test. It was positive too.

Again, we pretended it was false. But we brought home a digital ClearBlue pregnancy test kit, because the more expensive, the more accurate?

It blinked and calculated for a minute, way longer than my cheap tests took.
Finally it decided. "Pregnant."

Humans are strange beings. A printed word is like the News, it just Is. With that word, we finally allowed ourselves to believe and rejoice.

I called my parents. My mum picked up, and I told her to go wake Daddy up. "Why, you're pregnant ah?"She just didn't let me have my moment. Lots of fumbling and phone clicking later, they were both on speakerphone, and I said this big sentence for the first time. "Yes, I'm pregnant."

"Congratulations,"my father said very properly. I wouldn't expect anything less from him.
"Aiya, I knew it,"said my mother.

The next few days were happy ones, telling k's family and my friends, absorbing all the joy that was exploding around us. We went to Choon Kit and we got a gynae appointment at Mt E. I was seven weeks in.

At the gynae's clinic, I was still worried that my test result was a false positive. I did a urine test for the nurse to check, and I was waiting for her response to tell me if I was really pregnant or not. But she glanced at it and tossed it into the dustbin. "First pregnancy?"she asked. That was a relief.

Then finally, we saw it for ourselves on tv. A mass of black, my uterus, which I'd always thought was faulty, and at the top, a blueberry-sized cluster and a tiny blinking dot. Our baby's beating heart. Dr Kek turned the sound on. I felt k melt into my side and lean his cheek on my head. All my worries about him not being in the moment had been unfounded.

I carried that beating heart with us to Tokyo, and I fed that beating heart lots of food. I took rest stops in the middle of our long walks, and went to bed thinking about the beating heart.

Today, our little blueberry is the size of a lemon. The last time we saw it on tv, it was waving its hands about and bouncing. I realized that even while I couldn't see it or take care of it, God was making it grow, and it was busy doing its own thing inside there.

Tomorrow I turn 30, and already I care less about my own birthday than the impending birth of this little one.

Thank You God, for your gift in Your good time. We don't know where we're headed or what You want us to do. But for now at least we know we are to take care of this gift You've given us, and that's more than enough.

All in One Place

When something is done twice, it can be counted as a little family tradition. So lunch buffet at Sheraton has become my birthday tradition. The best value for money at a hotel buffet, because of the oysters I love.

What a blessing to have all the people closest to me here in one place. To have them happy to be together, liking one another.

christmas

Christmas day is a time to be selfless, no matter how silly i really feel inside.

A day to embody silliness so that 14-year-old girls can put aside their self-consciousness too--and win that prize for best costume!

Christmas is a time for hearty, homemade meals. Because homemade turkey is a lot better than store-bought, or worse still, turkey roll. But any meal with loved ones is delicious anyhow.

Christmas is a time to pretend that it's cold.

And to wear funny hats that girlfriends bought for you, because it's all excused at Christmas.

And Christmastime is also when my birthday comes along and everything is celebrated together conveniently. I used to hate that my birthday gets lumped together with Christmas and New Year's, but this year I appreciated that everyone around the world was in merrymaking mode, and sales are everywhere, and gift sets are aplenty, and everybody gets presents when we have my birthday party.

 

And Christmas is also the time of camps, of kids' camp and youth camp. Of holding small hands, and missing them even when January comes along.

I've had a very busy December, so busy that my own work's gotten sidelined. But these are the important things in life.

2010:

1. seen@dempsey, exactly one year of photographing amazingly expensive handcrafted glasses and feeling their superior hinges. One year of walking up the Dempsey Hill and hearing the hysterical parrots squawk, popping into Hubers for fries and malt soda, and living behind this glass door.

One year of attending shop events, each event with more supercars than the last one. And eating exceptional morsels at these events. And being with my colleagues who feed me well and look at me wistfully as I head out the door at 5 pm, 6 hours ahead of them... 

 2. Hammock Day: This was the year we graduated from picnic mats to hammocks and chairs.

Our garden city lifestyle will flourish in 2011. Hammock Day 2 was cancelled because k's grandma was critically ill, and the whole family was gathered by her side. But there are bright days aplenty, and we promise Hammock Day 2 again very very soon.

3. Lunches with Parents.

Because of my curious work schedule, we've managed to have brunch together at 10 am most weekdays. And that, I think, is the key to a happier, slightly more insane family this year.

4. Kids Camp

This has been The Year of the Kids Camps. Portland, Oregon in June for director's training, and crazy months of camp planning all the way to December. Every time I open my mouth it has only been one story that comes out. My poor friends! Next year I will have other stories, or similar kids' camp stories. But I'm glad that I could have been at the heart of this precious ministry this year. Once the opportunity window passes, it passes.

So happy birthday to me. I always feel that God makes the sky extra blue on my birthday.

Birthday Silliness

My mother doesn't know she's being set up in a mock kiss shot.
But I know it.

Happy new year everyone. Tomorrow: First day of primary school for a cousin, first day of secondary school for many, first day of a new job for me. How do I drag myself out of the holiday-ing mood? My room is in a festive catastrophic mess, too many goodies are uneaten on the kitchen counter, and I can't find my nail polish remover to redo my nails. I simply cannot go back to normal life tomorrow.

Let's be Quiet.

A quiet early morning start to the new year. A quiet birthday cake with my parents last night, to close three weeks(!) of birthday surprises. Very befitting to start off the year this way, and a good promise of peaceful things to come.

As always, the obligatory looking-back post, done looking-forward:

Things I did for the first time in 2009 that I want to do again in 2010:

1. Make books that mean something to me, that tell the story of the children I love

2. Have happy relationships with my colleagues, whoever the new ones may be. I felt sad packing up all my office desk stuff yesterday (plants, toys, photos, totally non-work-related), and sad to receive the beautiful birthday/farewell package that Chelsea prepared for me.

3. Have lots of picnics and adventures. With K, with family, with friends. In 2009 K and I explored the island for many picnic spots that I want to share (with a lucky few), places with great green fields, poetic trees, and views of neighboring countries.

4. Spend more time with family. Cycling with my dad, home barbecues, and mindless activities like bowling.

5. Kids Camp in Hokkaido. The strange and beautiful places I visited, the surreal settings for the same family camp; walking with kids by misty mountains to the breakfast hall is certainly a more calming experience than the Singapore camp. Or I might stay to do camp in Singapore. Whatever God wills.

6. Have birthdays with my loved ones. My first birthday back in Singapore in a while, and the celebrations have been endless. Yesterday I had lunch with my colleagues, and was preparing to be picked up by my mother at 3. But of course, my mother was lying again, and it was the Glue Girls there to whisk me off for a home-cooked picnic. They had cooked all morning and risked life and limb to come out in their post-cooking selves (ie no eyeliner) to surprise me. It's so difficult to even get them out altogether for a meal, let alone see them do this great feat on my birthday. Much, much love, wish there were photos of the PSCafe-style cuisine. And then it was a quiet dinner with noble K, who had survived 4 birthday celebrations with me and coordinated 3 of them, and is still going to birthday lunch with me today. He deserves many pats on the back, a spa back massage in fact.

7. So much blogging! If you didn't realize, I wrote posts for the national heritage board in 2009, to promote museum visits. My application letter for the job read like this: "I have FIVE BLOGS." I can't keep up with all of them now, and I can't stop making new ones either. But everything I want to write about the kids will be still be on apart, and if I do any new illustration work it will be on ennegrey, and this one here is for all of you who I wish I saw more often, so we don't grow too distant. The others shall die slow and painless deaths.

SO I hope you find many things you'd like to repeat this year, and many new things you can carry forward with you in 2011. Learn new things, love more people, do something that scares you, change your hairstyle, step on new soil and take new photographs.

Yes, another birthday surprise. I don't know why all the flaws in their plan escaped me. But I'm happy they did, because I was really surprised!

The loving bunch who wanted to throw me a picnic party, because they know that I really love picnics. And yellow and black balloons. But it rained, and so I walked into Toast to find the picnic there.

In the basket: everything picnic-ready, including a dress and a hat.

They think we look like Japanese tourists, but I felt much like a farmer wielding a luminous pitchfork. Together we look like mascots for health food. I like the hat very much, and my friends who know me well couldn't have picked a more powerful flower. With all these celebrations I keep expecting to see happy birthday wishes on my fb wall, but then I remember that it's still not yet my birthday. Thank you dearest viscommers and associate members. Thank you for loving your little oft-misunderstood-as-cold friend. I don't remember how or when we got close, but we did. :) And we'll always be there to make each other's birthdays stunning attention-getting affairs.

So imagine this. My mum invited her professor friends over for dinner, and I came home to things being laid out. "They're bringing a friend," she tells me. "Bring out an extra chair." They arrive and she says, "Their friend didn't come." I don't particularly care, but I offer to clear away the extra chair, and my mum hushes me away with a "Not now la! Let them rest."

And tadah, just before dinner, k shows up and my parents shout, "Surprise! It's your birthday!" It's not my birthday, not even a week to it, but it's suddenly carnival night on Tah Ching Road with fireworks spelling my name. He brings a strudel and is proud of himself for keeping his visit a secret.
So thus begins my first birthday cake of the year, with k and my dad the most exuberant and expressive birthday singers one could ask for. Professor Keith and his Lady Goodness Jeanette were interesting birthday guests, telling spy stories and how their first date was on an African safari.

My parents are always trying to give me birthday surprises. There were a few consecutive years of surprises, until I had to tell them to stop because I expected it. The very first surprise was when I was five or six. She shoved my friends and me into my room to play Candyland, and when she called us out all my friends were in the living room. I pretended to faint, because I was a dramatic kid. I did that a couple more times until my mum said, "stop it ah."

Last night my mother was mighty pleased with herself because I had the shock of my life. Firstly that k had shown up; secondly, that it was my birthday party to begin with. She said, "I had it early so she would be surprised. Next year we'll have it in October. Confirmed surprised!"

This birthday, hongkong was a familiar queer friend,

with laundromats and bellboys who haven't changed in fifteen years,

and fathers who had to sleep right there and then while we waited

while looking at tights more expensive than shoes

and parents who are strange and wonderful together.

We're not awfully exciting but we want to be with each other.

I used to have huge ambitions, but now I don't. Not really. I just want to be walking meekly on the ground in God's shadow, to look up every few steps and see that I'm still following Him, to pick up some weeds that look like flowers along the way and be contented to think they are flowers.

I used to need to plan and accomplish great things. Now I just want to be useful--cleaning up if i'm in the house, buying a present if i'm out, drawing if i have a pen. I would hate to be very busy and accomplished out in the world, and not useful at all at home.

I can't see what the future will hold. I can only see what is before me today, and what I can do in the next few hours. And so I hope to do it with all my heart.

Hello, today is my birthday and I haven't been able to sleep for the last few hours because I can hear my father snoring. I'm doing this to wait for him to wake up so that I can go back to sleep. I don't know what I will do today, but I'm in hongkong, where I was born.

This is also the last day of the year. This year has been as long as two years. I suppose that means I've made good use of my time. I don't dread this particular birthday because I think it comes at the right time; that today should be the day I sit back a bit and let time hurry up its end.

This was the year I stopped illustrating fashion and started drawing in miniscule for people who like stories. It was also the year I stopped liking fashion, and preferred to stay home and be as boring as I really want to be. Career and self goes together, as it should be.

This was the year I crawled out of myself and went to mongolia to carry lambs and goats, and joined e com. It was the year I could talk honestly to friends and strangers about what was truly important. I don't care for rowdy parties and I don't care for fitting in this exciting world, but let's talk about you.

This was the year my growing burden for balloon children became the project of my life. My third year in rfkc and I feel the same way about them, and I hope I will never become more Experienced or Prepared for the way they make me love them.

This was a happy year because I learnt more about myself. I learnt that I'm happiest as a child, buying toys and being outdoors and making stickers and drawing. They're the same things I did when I was five, just that at 22 I finally see that these are the best things one can do in life.

I just hope that at 22 I will make wise decisions; that the first thing I do in the new year will not be my biggest regret.

Party Party!


Wide angle lens makes me look so much bigger than joys.

Just a bunch of silly fools.

The large dinner

Our Chinese drama family

the birthday mystery for wc and me to solve

one of the clues we found

Christmas Day: Bo as Sheep. Everyone's highlight.

Haha. Merry Christmas GGs.

This has been one week of consecutive parties, ending with the Pink Birthday Party, which was Em's first and last party-planning stunt.

The best food was at Uncle Earnest's as always, with his signature roast pork belly and wine sauce for the ham. The funniest party was with the GGs (and friends), themed and costumed as is tradition. We drew lots and I was the angel. The most exhausting party was the Pink Party, altogether too much effort on our part lost in white flourescent lights and red plastic chairs. The most heartwarming party was with my classmates. They always make birthdays big happy affairs. :)

Hong Kong in a couple of days. It seems that everything is good; maybe just one blessing too many, I'm afraid.

Happy birthday to me. This was the quietest birthday in 21 years, and the quietest countdown to the new year. The shrines hit the bells at midnight and the people were silent. Our luggages were packed and waiting, and we wrapped ourselves up on the couch listening to the bells. That morning I had felt a churning stone of discontentment, because birthdays come with restlessness and 21st birthdays are supposed to be the best birthdays. But the day that unfolded slowly in its muted form was as it should have been: the soft white daifuku ichigo from becky, the stationery shop, the sweet children, the restful last day of a very restless year.