let lemons be angry

Remembering milan kundera's words on "gestures", and thinking. A gesture isn't anybody's to claim; we all can adopt the same gestures and therefore seem to have relatively similar personalities. The Laidback Slouch, the Confident Hairflip, the famously self-indulgent and awe-inspiring toss of the hand in the air as if "tossing a golden ball". But then as unexclusive as gestures are, they are the only permanent imprints of our identities. That's how i recognised gohjiaen today. Gohjiaen, because everyone has always called him by his full name. He was at my train station, and we later got into the same carriage, and occasionally he looked at me and i at him, and i would think, "oh what a young, thin boy." I suppose he recognised me all those times. But i couldn't. If i were to look out for gohjiaen, i would look out for someone who towered over me, who had instant presence, and whose eyes were both drowsy and piercing in their regard of people. I wouldn't have picked out this boy, having forgotten that some people don't continue growing after a certain age. He was as thin as he was in primary school, but different from all my memories. Funny how we always remember people's ages as in relation to ours. So today, he looked younger than my memory of him as a p6 boy. And one wonders how that is possible. And then. We headed towards the same train door when we reached jurong east, and i saw his gesture. Nothing more than a tiny upward tilt of his chin as his eyes focused on the floor, but it was enough. Instantly it struck me that he wasn't a hollowed out version of some other guy i was picturing, nor was he a random young thin boy who had just gotten his hair dyed. It was gohjiaen, who lots of girls liked in primary school, who was in love with two of my best friends over three years, and who was one of my clique when the girls all turned against stephanie and me in the awful year of p5. But it was too late, and as i changed trains he disappeared into an escalator queue.

And the rest of them are the same. Last night was my primary school class reunion, which gohjiaen didn't attend, nor did cheryl lin, but i saw them both today, of all amazing coincidences. Daniel lee still talks with a constant smile, even after 6 years. Fiona still folds her arms and smiles at boys in the same pitying and obliging way. Limtzehow still laughs silently with creases at the side of his eyes. Things i'd forgotten completely until i saw them. Jan (who i saw in driving theory class today) still has a smile that makes her ears move back. And i wonder what my signature gestures are.