let lemons be angry

Edit: a saved draft from two years ago, now published because i am still grateful.

Amelia gave me a dated diary for my birthday. One of those that has blank spaces for each day. Never in my life had I used the daily portion of those diaries.

So I decided that this year I would dutifully record what I do every single day.

I've kept it up, and it's been useful. I can finally look back to see when I changed my contact lenses, and if it's time to. I can check up on names I forget. I can pinpoint with accuracy what I ate after watching what movie. It's like having a super-soaker memory, except it's as simple as writing it down.

Most usefully, this daily record showed me one day how I've been spending my year. A typical week runs like this: work at home, dinner. Movie, dinner. Shopping, dinner. Work at home, dvd. Gym, painting, dinner. Weekend: lunch, wedding, dinner. Church, shopping, dinner, dvd.

Basically, I haven't done much with my year. Maybe one significant, socially helpful activity in a couple of months. One burst of productivity in a few weeks. Countless meals and movies.

I told God, this has to change. More than the money, I need the work. We were created to work, and my unproductive body testifies to it. Overrested and restless. I made a plea, a pact, to work harder, to transfer my Facebook-gaming hours to real work that would help people.

Finally I summoned my lazy fingers to type an email to an ex-professor who I'd spent a lot of painting hours with. A while ago she'd asked my friend to tell me to email her about a teaching assistant position. I didn't, not right away. I'd spent many days eating and watching movies and doing unfulfilling jobs instead. But finally I emailed her.

She replied simply asking me to call her; I forgot the first time. When I finally got her, it sounded like I would get $15 an hour to teach an entire module. The sum was meagre for the job scope. But by then I was hungry. Hungry for work. I thought of saying no because of the pay--once. Hunger and a promise to work won over, and I never thought of declining again.

As it turns out, the sum I thought was little will be what my teaching assistant will get. I thought I was applying to be a teaching assistant position, but my professor had always intended for me to be a lecturer. Suddenly I have the best income I've had in all my working life. For a job I didn't apply for, and never even knew how to ask God for. For a job I certainly don't deserve.

"The race is not to the swift, nor bread to the wise,... but time and chance overtake them all." Time and chance can only come from God. I have been bankrupt twice this year. I have chalked up dozens of projects that nobody will remember. I have been seethingly envious of juniors who creep up the ladder while I do pilates and watch forgettable movies.

I keep thinking: I could have turned it down because I thought it didn't pay well enough. Instead, now there is God giving me a little prod, a knowing wink. How He prepares surprises for those who say, 'yes God, i'll just do it.'