let lemons be angry

When did i start taking naps at night?
Naps at night, letters i'll never send during the day. Asleep in this restless world, too awake in my own world of wrestling thoughts. And my favourite answer to every doubt nowadays: it doesn't matter. To everything: it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Nothing really mattered anyway did it. I'd rather not think so much, but there's nothing else to do.

I struggle towards a future that i might not see, or i might not want. I live by ideas that no one can understand, and which i sometimes cry over because i fail to see what i am, where i am. I'm just another rose like all the other roses, only special if someone will water me, listen to me, and think that i am the only rose on this planet. But i'm too proud, too trusting of my own strengths, too alone.

It wasn't long ago or far away that i believed that everything dazzled with positivity. I want that back now. I want to stop feeling tired. I want to see the excitement in routine again. I want to feel alive. Like this time last year, or even last week. A week can change summer to winter. It's deathly cold, and no one pretends to be warm.

Remembering how she read my diary and was surprised that one as happy as i had demons too. We all have storms. Did you think i was immune?

Maybe it's not as bad as i think it is. Maybe all we need is a holiday.

a change will do you good. yes, sheryl.