let lemons be angry

It came to me the other day that i can walk away from everything. I can pack a bag of things that are mine (is anything really really mine?) and just walk away. Out of the door, away from the hopes built up for me, away from the life others dream of for me, and start on foreign soil. Disappoint all the people who'd known my parents and known me, and weave some gypsy pattern with threads i pick up along the way. Be the one people shake their heads when they think about, and cause dinnertime laments and sighs when my life is discussed. I could do all that. It is in my power. I'd live for myself, for my private moments of heartleaps and take-the-chance thrills, and be independent of everything and everyone, and i could say that i followed my heart.

But when it comes down to it, i can't do that. I thought about it many times, turning the idea over in my head like a pancake, and it rests at "cannot". It's not that i don't have the guts. Well maybe i don't. But more than that, i guess i'd rather be Sense than Sensibility, i'd rather be wise than impulsive, i'd rather be rational than rash. It's no fault and it's no merit. It's just how i make my way around things, and i'm learning to live with that.

When you're young as i am now, you often wonder what type you will become. The romantic dreamer, the forgetful office worker, the faithful hospital-visiting friend, the successful achiever, the aimless drifter? When you're presented with a multitude of forks in the road, you think that you're entitled to be any one of these things, or all of them if given the time. Because all the options are open, because the page is as yet empty. You can be anything. The result is we try to be everything. We jump at every opportunity, we say yes to every offer, we don't want to miss out on any facet of what we might become. But we can't be everything.

i couldn't tell my mother what she should say in her talk. I want to hear advice, i want to ask questions, but i don't know what i want to hear. I don't know what questions to ask. I just need answers, but what answers, i don't know. I just want someone to tell me what to do.