let lemons be angry

Tomorrow i'll be alone at home. I hope i remember to lock the door this time. I remember the last time i went home alone--it was one of that series of shaky nights when every word counted--and i forgot to lock the door. I don't know why, but i want to hear my phone chime, and i want to pick it up and click in some response, but on the other hand, i don't really want to talk. I'm afraid that i've run out of things to say. This time last year the word "soulmate" was threading itself tight inside me; now i don't know what a soulmate is. Is this what time does to people? Or is this the result of trying to recreate too many moments, too many times? All i know is i don't have to study psychology to know exactly what's going on, and yet, i'm sick of feeling bewildered. Just go. I'm confusing myself with every new thing that doesn't happen.

Where's my peach? I want my peach. I miss talking to old friends for hours. Charmian and i used to write each other emails even though we saw each other in class everyday. Silly, silly emails like "ten countries i want to visit", or "ten favourite movies". Bong and i used to make a tent in her room out of bedsheets and laundry clips. The tent spread over her bed and the radio and a lamp and the ladder, just so we'd have everything we needed. Ashley and i used to talk about the most insignificant, fluffy things like lipglosses, and models who had nice abs. I miss all of that. I miss that excitement as we discovered more we loved about the world out there, as we peeled away the plastic on the can of possibilities and waited for our turn to fly away. I miss talking about dreams and things not of reality--i miss childish talk with all its naivete and lack of intellect. Seems like we're too learned for our own good these days. Learned of the limits of this world, learned of the frailty of the wings of our once-cherished dreams, learned of cruelty and tiredness. Give me a piece of paper and a glittery pen and let me write a list of unimportant things, just to see if i can still do it. Because it is so important that i can.