let lemons be angry

There must be more than this
is what i believe when i'm singing it with the swaying, praying people;
is what i believe when we're down again, talking about dreams and nightmares and the bits of busy weeks;
is what i believe when i find myself a failure once more, having not the courage to burn myself out to turn into light;
There must be more than this is what i've always believed in. Why else would i turn away from second-bests, compromises, deals that would cheat me or God, flawed diamonds, things it hurt to let go of. Just this little phrase to keep me wanting more and going further, in the middle of taking care of sec one girls, pursuing all these self-improving activities, and eating lonely lunches, with my own world of T.Rex and Manic Street Preachers spinning digitally through my earphones, and the many thoughts i have to grab from out of the air before they go away: bangle bags, a brand name, strange customer, phonecalls, chelsea and estelle, who i am. Do i have life, and life in abundance? Yes, and yet there is still more than this, if i would just let God use me.

Why do i believe in God anyway? I'm not a conformist. If anything i would want to break out from the life given to me when i was born to missionary parents--a life of going to church, obeying rules, doing things that others would think were foolish. But being a Christian is not about all those things at all. I used to think it was, for 16 years. And for 16 years i played along without thinking, sometimes quietly grudging, sometimes violently grudging. But then at that age that authors love to pin angst-ridden characters to (for it's only true), i had to follow my parents all the way to Japan on a mission trip, and it was there i learnt who God was. And i learnt who i am. Not some girl sewn together from talents, friends, loves, grades, the right body, the right hair, the right situation, the right life story--all of which fluctuate. I am a child of God, loved for who i am. That's all, and that's all that needs to be. The me now is nothing like the me before june 2002. I can even pinpoint the exact day and time. Do you know what it's like to wake up as from a spell, to have the dusty film removed from both eyes, to finally love the self? To have joy--not happiness, for that can pass, but joy, which lasts through even sadness. To eat ice cream for the first time in months. To forgive and love. To open up to people and speak my mind. To love this person i am even on bad mornings. Before my life rotted completely, God gave me life just in time. There is more than the mediocre life this world gives, one of meaningless labour and people hurting people, one of selfishness and nothingness. God gave me more than just life, which is why i live for God.