let lemons be angry

Soundtrack of my life, in no order at all and nowhere near completion.

Sway by Bic Runga. When April was mysterious and beautiful in the way it is when young eyes are pried open for the first time. The spex gal and notebooks and doodle girls. Strangers and famous people, and my antenna going crazy in wired alertness. I'm practicing your name so I can say it to your face. And so i practiced your name in obedience to the song.

My Completeness, Thirsty Merc. My Sharona, Veruca Salt. All the Things That I've Done, The Killers. The days trapped in the fire hazard of an office when I was working for Karen. I escaped through my headphones and clicked a mouse all day. Always give it up for the touch of the younger kind. I started downloading music again (but not in That way ok) and so this category makes an entire album on its own.

Hole in My Soul, Aerosmith. When things were good and yet good in that insane, melancholic way. The promos were round the corner and I studied to this song on my discman, in love with the idea of being jaded and hurtful and wrapped up. Safe and grey. Tell me how it feels to be the knife that turns a hole inside of me. Dramatic and strange, that I was comfortable with such intensity.

Don't Cry, Guns and Roses. When I was beginning to become a music snob and pushed out all music that wasn't old or noisy.

Love You Madly, Cake. When I used to sit across the table from you wishing i could run. Mornings walking to the station and treading on pine needles. A kind of defiance, singing this one. Happy, self-saving defiance.

Girls of Summer, Aerosmith. Because a girl would really walk a hundred miles for the boy she loves, God bless the child. June 2002. For all the little boys i loved who lived down the long gravel road.

Swing Swing, the All-American Rejects. j1. Everyone who has ever loved it would agree. For me this brings back the art room and the spex gal, and hockey tryouts and the library. And dark mornings at lakeside mrt station waiting for charmian.

The soundtrack isn't ideal. This is not a Favorite Song List. But there are certain songs that just catch me because when I hear them, I remember the first time they ever made an impression on me. I find my songs in retrospect, when they surprise me by flooding me with detailed memories. I can feel like i'm 16 and quiet again when i listen to Bon Jovi and Sheryl Crow. I can feel like I've just come back from volleyball training and need to study when I listen to The Used. I can feel broken up and cold and in a black sweater when I listen to Ordinary Girl. I'm learning not to attach too much sentiment to songs, because that is suicide. Anyway, songs are a cheap commodity and everyone has their own queer interpretations of them. For instance, channel 5 has decided to use Bic Runga's Sway for the Shooting Stars trailer. Makes me want to deny ever having heard it.