let lemons be angry

For two days I wanted nothing for dinner but red cabbage salad and chicken,which I ate at home in front of the tv. Going to bo's for pre-pre-cny dinner helped dispel that lazy antisocial mood, with rounds and rounds of song-shouting over a steamboat on her balcony (poor neighbors), even shoutier taboo, and bo who suddenly died on her couch for about an hour, and then got up and was fine.

I get incredibly manic and aggressive when we play taboo. Manda used to not let me give the words in jc because I was slow. Perhaps that has made me come back with a vengeance (and stress).

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For the first time in a long time today I felt like running away. It was all imagined tension of course. But I ran to the bus stop, and that is probably the bravest I can manage at one go.

Someday I'll be brave enough to run all the way to Moscow, and when i get there and confess it my mother will say "oh that's nice, what's it like? here the cats are fine" and the anticlimax will make me feel stupid and miss home.

Because I'm starting to realize that my paranoia extends beyond lift robbers and lightning. My own parents scare me, when they hold knives or Bibles. My home scares me; I always think that I'm walled in when I'm not. I have a trust problem.

So i'm trying this out: a new way of looking at God, a new way of looking at my parents. The fear could be good, but it has to go.