let lemons be angry

New Mission:  Becoming a Woman, Eventually

These days my obsession has been nothing else. Ever since my mother and I had a landmark conversation about who in my social circle was a woman and who wasn't yet (me), I have thought about nothing else when dressing up. Just a year ago I was lamenting that the low-20s were passing me by, and I still wanted to be a lithe young girl. How quickly the rules of attraction change.

I asked k, "Am I a woman?"

K: "I think you are still too thin to be a woman."

(Meaning, I suppose, that I have no curves.)

K: "You could take a risk and put on weight everywhere."

Unfortunately I put on weight on my face first, so I will not be taking his advice anytime soon.

Although I do see his point. I'm 1.53m with tiny bones: tiny ribs, tiny hipbones, tiny hands and feet. Being thin on top of being short makes me look like I'm 14 when I wear t-shirts and sneakers (reason that I don't wear either). Even when I dress up, people think I'm 20 at most. Good when I eventually age, bad for when I'm in a leading/teaching role. So I turn to makeup, but it seems that makeup is not enough to make me a woman.

But I don't think it's entirely curves or makeup. It's confidence, it's a quiet being. Finally, it has a lot to do with clothes and hair, and accessories.

Francoise Hardy: a woman because of confidence

A woman because of that watch, and the lack of any other silly accessory

When I was still working daily at seen, I dressed up to meet magazine editors and suppliers. But these days as a freelance artist, I have regressed into hippie skirts, flats and headbands. Maybe what it'd take to slowly become a woman is give up the excessive accessory, exchange the slouchy cloth totebag for a substantial arm-bag, and wear a serious watch.

So yesterday I consciously searched for a substantial bag to carry over my arm. Then I was complaining about how heavy it was.

K: "Real women don't complain."

Maybe someday I will give up this silly exercise of Becoming a Woman. But I do think it is about time to look for a new refinement.