let lemons be angry

Of Missionaries and Makeup

A wise man recently asked me what I've learnt from my parents. He was too witty and intimidating, so my answer became incoherent and silly. But walking in the rain today, massive clutch under my aching elbow while grappling umbrella and drink, I suddenly knew what my parents have taught me.

As full time Christian workers, every cent they have had over the last 30 years has been prayed for, and given to them by friends and supporters. My university education was prayed for semester by semester, and just in time the money always came. Our family lives by faith, so money has both been something we've needed, yet never worried about.

The lesson I learnt from this wasn't to be miserly--quite the contrary, we've always had more than enough of everything. We don't just have a car, we give people lifts home. We don't just have nice dinners, we often fill our house with people and feed them. We've been able to give away computers, cameras, money, clothes, makeup--even back-heating pads--to people who have less. No, the lesson I learnt from my parents was not to be penny-pinching or stingy.

What I learnt was that our money is not earned. It is a gift from God to supply all our needs. So while we don't have to worry about having needs met, we don't spend the gift carelessly.

Learning that money is a gift, I've been able to take an uncommon easy-breezy approach to job-hunting. Because money is not my main consideration, I'm free to do anything I want to.

But learning that money is not earned has its struggles too. It splits me--the me that grew up in my missionary family, and the me that is growing up and making money in this alien world.

The me in the world is a beauty addict, unstoppable in my quest for new and better products to buy. 
The me in the world begins to believe that expensive things are more beautiful--even if it's a Dior lipstick case. The me in the world listens to her friends growing up with expanding paychecks, splurging on things that transit them into womanhood, and wants them too. The me in the world buys expensive presents and meals for loved ones and doesn't regret them.

But the Family me feels the stab every time, because money would never be spent in such a careless way if it was given, not earned. The Family me knows that a brand name means nothing. But the me in the world wins every time.

The people who earn their thousands or ten thousands every month--they've worked for it, and so they will feel that they can spend it any way they please. So can I, technically. But always there will be that inward dissonance when I do, because of family. So much so that I know I wouldn't buy a designer bag even if I earned enough someday. I would feel my parents' eyes on me. The price of a bag is what we prayed to receive in the mail in uncertain times.

A gift. And so when I receive an expensive gift, my heart aches for what it would cost to my family.


So there I was today in the rain, massive clutch under my elbow. Too caught up in what would look nice to carry something more practical. Too caught up in appearances to remember how to spend money the way I was taught, until now. 

With this, I go on another shopping ban--no new products until I've run out of everything. Another thing: no makeupalley, no youtube gurus, not the slightest temptation to feel like I *need* yet another thing I have so many of. No more. (God help me.) The aim? To step out of the house as myself, not as the things I've bought. To be thankful for the simple things, and wise enough to know what's a good buy and what's not. To give and receive presents that are worth more than their names.

I am the daughter of a blessed family; I cannot live like I am not.