Wedding Postmortems

It's true what they say. When you've been to a lot of weddings, you start knowing what you want--and don't want--at your own future wedding. I average one wedding a month, helping out in some way in every third wedding. (I was never good at math, but this feels true.) I've attended plenty of wedding helper briefings, set up and manned reception tables, decorated many a pew. I've certainly learnt a lot. So this, with no offense meant to any bride or groom, is what I know I want if I should find myself planning the big day:

1. It's okay to be like everyone else.
Every bride wants to do things differently. Most of the time, the actual difference ends up being very little. Unless I do something drastic like holding it at the zoo, or having a night wedding (both real cases), stressing out about being original will only do me more harm than good. Instead of pushing myself and my team to break the mould, I think I will accept that my wedding will just be sweet and quirky, like everyone else's. And that's perfectly fine.

2. The program is more important than the decor, the dress, or the place settings.
The first inclination when I think about weddings is to dream about a perfect gown. But honestly, I don't remember most wedding gowns I've seen. What I do remember about weddings is if the groom cried. If there were two sermons. Who sang what. As someone put it, a marriage is the death of two people as they become one. It is terribly symbollic and frighteningly important, and I want that to be on the top of my mind the weeks before the wedding. Not how the decor is coming along.

3. Relationships are more important than the perfect wedding.
No dream wedding is so magical and all-encompassing that family, friends or vendors should be exploited, offended, or made use of in its pursuit. Certainly ironic if it causes a fight with the groom.

4. Bare-back wedding gowns: no.

5. Back-and-forth haggling for bigger angpows at the gatecrash, when both parties know the amount is already long decided: double no.

6. Give thanks, and only thanks.
Sure, we all like to hear embarrassing stories about the groom from his traitor best man. But things get awkward when the best man decides to tell every relative, employer and church mate sitting there about how the groom noticed his bride for her chest. Or when the groom himself makes people shift in their seats by saying how expensive the ring was. Snide remarks slipped into thank you speeches don't mix well either. The best speeches I've heard were pure and grateful, and show effort in remembering every person who matters. Sometimes it's the speeches that make a wedding truly beautiful.

7. Let go.
I want to be completely happy and free the day of the wedding. I won't lift a finger, or issue an order. No matter how tempting it is to be in control.

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Of course, I can say all this now that I'm not planning my own wedding. Who knows what I will become when I am. But I hope I will remember these things. You may kick me if I forget.