let lemons be angry

speak of the lonely things again
recall some washed-up silent dream
repaint the lost antiquity
tell me again how we used to be

Have you ever felt like there's no point in doing anything? It's a horrible feeling. These days have been lie-still-in-bed-with-nothing-to-wake-up-for days. The nights are even worse. Not that there's nothing to do. There's so much to do, good grief. And not that there's no one to talk to. But hmm. I feel shortchanged. I desperately want to do something different. Good thing i'm going to camp soon.

I went to the night safari the other night. It's been years since i've been to the zoo and smelt those animal smells and heard the excited voices of zoo tourguides describing the many kinds of deer. Really, the night safari is mostly about deer. The largest deer, the prettiest deer, the smallest deer, the deer that "are skulking around. Shh!" It's quite amazing how the zoo people can be so genuinely fascinated with deer. Shows that they've landed themselves the right job. The night was thick, such that looking at the animals was almost like finding wally in Where's Wally. Haha. And the trees were definitely beautiful, but only their silhouettes and shadows could be seen. The last time i'd been there the hyenas were freaking everyone out with their hysterical laughter. They were quiet this time. And the show was very amusing. Wild cats are just like domestic cats. They can't be forced to do anything. So they did their tricks at their own timing, most of the time more interested in playing with ropes and leaves. You can't make a cat do anything. It's something that makes me love them.

I wanted to do a holiday job at the zoo some years ago. But something tells me now that if i can't be excited about deer, then maybe i'm not cut out to be a real zoo person. There's only one thing i know for sure that i'd love to do. The thing is i don't have to go to university to do what i want to do. Visual com in tp would probably be more useful. But still here i am, all belted up in this train that's going down a straight track, and there are many more miles to go. It's called time-killing. Wind away the years so that at the end of all my education i'll be even more sure that i didn't need most of it. Why am i so cynical? Smile without irony, stupid girl. There's so much in this world that isn't ridiculous or a waste of effort, you just haven't seen it yet. It's not time yet. Patience is a virtue i'm being forced to cultivate, every waking second.

Argh i want everyone to come home from overseas soon. It's dreadful not being able to talk to so many people. And my peche says i have a "very mean MAN-HATING look" when i talk about the more awful variants of the species. That's something i wish i could see. My man-hating look. Among the many looks she says i have. Ivan says i have my judgemental look, for moments when i judge him. Then there's my evil look, usually accompanied by laughter. The thing about photos is we look the same in every one. The same fixed smile that's half cheer and half quick-take-the-picture. Let's see. Peche has her can-you-believe-what-i've-just-told you look. Bong has her gossipy look. Paki has her secretive look. Fiver has a perpetual stupid look, the darling. My dad has his plotting look. My mum has an i-bet-i-can-read-your-mind look. That's how i'll remember each of them forever. Not their smiles for the camera.