let lemons be angry

I've reached a point where i don't feel like making new friends everyday anymore. Introducing myself was fine the first few times, but now i want the swing of familiarity and a rhythm that doesn't change everyday. And i enjoy the new diversity of friends out of school, but it's only now that i appreciate how school brought very similar people together. There's no place less diverse than school. Especially in a school like rj. Everyone has about the same background, goals, interests, direction. Don't doubt me for a second; when put into the larger world, i realise that I am not part of the majority at all, but of a tiny sector of a large society that i have been cut off from all my life. It's not just the familiarity of friends that i miss. I miss the comfort of a routine worn-out in its repitition. School suited me because it gave me a structure from which i could deviate. Run out of school at illegal hours, play games during lectures, sms under the table. But there is no structure now, and so i don't have the freedom to create my own space. There's just a blank void with numerous possibilities, and i have to build my own structure bit by bit. It's up to me to fence myself in now by booking driving lessons, booking work slots, making rules i have to obey because i made them.

Being at manda's party took me back to a higher time. Because they know me and i know them, and we love each other for exactly that. We're changing, each one of us. The romantic in me cries for no more change, no erosion of the crazy worry-free innocence that we had for two years. But of course i know that change is a must. The soundtrack has to change because the lyrics won't fit forever. We have to grow stronger. In Too Deep becomes The Greatest View becomes Tsubasa becomes You are Incredible becomes Angel becomes Hole in my Soul... Hey Julie, and Good Morning Baby. Gave myself strength in the end, had to.