let lemons be angry

Today I made a conscious effort to be thankful. For thanksgiving is better than a bull. In common language, God would rather i have a thankful heart than for me to rush around sacrificing time and energy with little joy about the things He's given me.

The strangest thing is i seem to have lost a good part of my memory. All the bumping into things must have taken its toll on my brain, although whenever i checked for damage i couldn't find any immediately. For i read something angry and sad i wrote in april, and i can't for the life of me remember why i was angry with the person in question. I can't even remember why i was happy before that, and i can't remember why i "dreamt impossible dreams". Does that mean it was really such a trivial fight (was it even a fight?) or did i let myself forget so that life would be easier?

My mum just found out that her friend is schizophrenic. She's had two schizo friends in her lifetime. One of them believed that she dated and was dumped by a man who didn't even know who she was in reality. This is far-fetched, but what if, just what if i was actually schizophrenic? And in that thread, maybe all my stories were just imagined too. There's no proof that the fight/sadthing in April really happened. No details were recorded, I probably told no-one about it, and i can't even remember it, for crying out loud. Maybe i just wrote it down during an emotional hallucination. Maybe i've been hallucinating all along and have only just woken up. That's why the present seems so empty, doesn't it? It's not that things have turned sour; they were always this way anyway. That's much easier to accept.

Raah. Be thankful, be thankful. I've been making a lot of things for the flea market tomorrow, and i'll go back to my insaaanely messy room to continue the sewing in a little while. But meanwhile, home club flea market tomorrow (as if you didn't already know) from 2 to 7, and new photos up in the "photo" link.