let lemons be angry

Back from the silence. We stayed in a convent on a hill, each in our own rooms, with our own sink, desk, wardrobe and bed.

There was this:

Prayer of Trust and Confidence -Thomas Merton

My Lord God
I have no idea where I am going,
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and
The fact that I think I am following Your will
Does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please You
Does in fact please You and
I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything
Apart from that desire
And I know that if I do this, You will lead me by the
Right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore I will trust You always
Though I may seem to be lost
And in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for You are ever with me and
You will never leave me to face my perils alone.

And this:

Blessed are those whose strength is in You,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

Psalm 84

Why do we have to go so faraway to read this, when it's always there in our hands? Maybe because the physical act of leaving and seeking makes us more ready to find.

Even with the silence, my insides were clamoring like a busy kitchen, clashing and clanging and never settling. Still I found the moment of peace I was seeking, on the steps under a canopy of trees, in the promise of a place of springs. Springs, even though I may be just passing through.

Even with the silence and the presence of God, I still feel like an awful person. Followed by goodness and love, but still an awful person.