let lemons be angry

"I feel like a terrible friend."

I read that on my phone just before going onstage today. It's okay, i understand, all your reasons are perfectly legitimate and worthy of sympathy. You're not a bad friend. But my heart breaks because I miss all of you.

I've learnt a lot and grown a lot this last month, but none of you know it. I was never good at phase transitions. I'm not lonely but when dawn and aimei called me last night i felt like crying. The commotion in their background over the phone overwhelmed anything i wanted to say. They sounded so busy, so breathless. I wanted to blurt out all my words in one breath: my blisters, my suspicion and sinking heart, the helium highs and awkward dwindles, random this and silly that. Too much to say in one opportunity; i only managed a sigh. And when i met bong this week, the only non-TURTer i met recently, i wanted to sit and eat and drink the whole night through and talk about nothing serious at all.

It occurs to me that I don't pick up the phone and call anybody. So maybe it's partly my fault that people come and go in phases.

At the same time, i don't want to go back to the life i had before. I think about the end of turt and want to curl up into a ball and roll into a hole.